The Department of Health’s Clean Air Branch is offering people with breathing problems the following guidelines for coping with fireworks smoke on New Year’s Eve:

• Stay indoors and close your windows and doors.

…Because they’re COMING FOR YOU, BARBARA.

• Make sure your air conditioner works and change its filter if necessary.

Or, ya know, keep it clogged with cat dander.  It builds character.  But no, you should clean it ’cause eeew.

• Do not smoke and avoid secondhand smoke.

Wait …Does this mean I can’t smoke weed?

• If you require medication, make sure you have an adequate supply and use them as directed by your doctor.

Wait …so does this mean I CAN smoke weed?  This is confusing. (Remember, kids — always know your dealer!)

• Contact your doctor if you need more medication and get clear instructions on what to do if your lung condition suddenly worsens.

I love that here in California this, too, could be referring to weed.

• Avoid people who have colds and other lung infections and wash your hands thoroughly.

Yeah, I’m gonna say that this is pretty much good advice even if you’re NOT gonna be inhaling fireworks smoke.

• Drinks plenty of liquids, especially warm beverages, to loosen mucus.

Not just to keep me cozy and hydrated?  I’ve gotta loosen mucus now, too?

• Get plenty of rest and limit physical exertion.

Plenty of rest? Check!  Limited physical exertion?  …I’ve been known to lay on the couch and eat a Cheeto or two, so …Check!

Now go enjoy some fireworks!